When I was in grade school a man by the name of Charlie Biles sold Heberling Products (patent medicines, herbs, elixirs, etc) in the front of my grandfather’s store. The old men of the town would meet there every morning where they would chew tobacco, spit into a box full of sawdust, and spin yarns. I would hide in the back behind some boxes to listen. This is how I got my sex education along with other great pearls of wisdom. One of regulars was Ike.
Ike
Ike Coler was a farmer in Randolph. He was a big man with a large chin that was further enhanced by a huge chaw of Mail Pouch chewing tobacco. His preferred attire was grey and blue striped Oshkosh overalls. He had a livestock truck and he hauled cattle to market for the local farmers. But his most interesting quality was his quick wit and barnyard philsophy. He also stuttered a bit which made his quotes even funnier, and even Ike laughed about that. Following are some of his stories And sayings. It is difficult to capture the effect in print but I’m going to try.
On living a long life
“If every day you would t-t-t-take a spoonful of honey and a spoonful of w-w-whiskey, when Gabriel blew his horn they would have to kk- knock you in the head”.
Cow’s Tails
Ike told about some dogs getting loose and biting the tails off of some of his cows. “A cow w-without a tail is pp-pretty worthless because she c-can’t swat the flies off”, said Ike. Then he looked up with big eyes and added in a tone of helplessness, “N-Now I c-c-can’t fu-u-urnish tails for every d-damn dog in town”.
Ike the Surgeon
Ike told about his neighbor Freem Ladd calling him over to look at one of his chickens that was sick. “I knew it would k-kill Freem to loose a chicken because he was so damn tight. I l-looked at the chicken and saw right away it couldn’t pass its eggs. S-s-so I t-took a r-razor blade a-a-and operated on it. L-l-l-laid three eggs just like a machine gun!”.
Ike the Vet
Ike talked about a calf that was sick. “I t-took him to the vet and he said to give it a pint of lard”. “B-but he didn’t say w-which end to put it in. S-so I p-put a pint in one end and a p-pint in the other. Ffff-figured when they got together something was bound to happen!”.
Ike the Political Advisor
When Ike heard that my father was running for the local school board he dropped by to offer some invaluable political advice:
“Dutch, yy-you nneed to g-go out there, ss-sh-shaake some hands and kk-kiss a ff-few asses and g-get yourself elected to that school board”.
Giving Directions
One night Ike was standing in front of the gas station and a man stopped and asked him how to get to Deerfield. He pointed, waved his arms and said,” Y-yyou g-go down h-here for t-t-three m-m-miile– y-you g-go – and th-then yy-yyou… “. Finally, his stuttering got the best of him. “Oh shit, you could be there before I can tell you”. With that Ike turned and disgustedly walked into the gas station.
Chinese Rot
Ike told this story about one of his friends who was in the navy during the 30’s. His ship docked near Tientsin, China ( now called Tianjin). The story goes that this friend went on shore leave for a few days and upon returning to the ship found that he had picked up some kind of a strange venereal disease. They called it “Chinese Rot”. No one knew exactly how it worked but the sailors thought that some kind of little worms got into your thingy and drilled holes all the way through. Then when you peed it squirted out everywhere, “ Jj-just l-like a lawn sprinkler”. So to make everything work correctly it was necessary to hold your fingers over all the extra holes. “You ha-had tt-to h-hold it like a flute”, said Ike.
I can almost hear the music now!